Grief by Age: High School Teens (Age 13-18)

Developmental Stage: During their high school years, teenagers will experiment with different roles and priorities, develop a distinct identity, and may seek to separate that identity from the family. They have trouble calculating risk and their emotions will fluctuate (moodiness). They turn more toward peers for a sense of belonging, which can lead to social anxiety as they seek to fit in. Intimate relationships form (boyfriends/girlfriends), which may lead to a sense of vulnerability. Teenagers begin to be more resourceful, reasonable, and reliable as they age towards adulthood.

Concept of Death: Teenagers understand that death is permanent, however they can experience magical thinking (that the person went away on a trip and will return). Teens often question the meaning of life.

Symptoms of grief: All children, regardless of their experience with grief, may exhibit the following traits at various ages and stages of their life. However, research has found that after the death of loved one, children may have prolonged or noticeable experiences with one or more of the following symptoms:

• Behavioral:
  • higher risk-taking than normal (substance abuse/unsafe behaviors/reckless driving)
  • taking on caregiving roles or pushing towards independence from the family
  • avoidance
  • social challenges
• Emotional:
  • difficulty managing big emotions (sadness/anger/relief)
  • survivors guilt
  • depression or anxiety
  • suicidal ideation
  • fear for safety of self and others
  • hypervigilance (sensitive to noises/light/movement)
• Physical:
  • challenges with sleeping (nightmares)
  • changes in eating habits (eating too much or too little)
  • possibility of self-harm
• Cognitive:
  • memory flashbacks
  • low attention span
  • struggling with academics and school attendance
  • extreme perfectionism

How to Help – the 6 Rs:

Reassure:

• Reinforce safety and love within your relationship and family.
• Look for subtle signs of grief as this age group is better about masking or hiding their feelings.
• Model appropriate ways of grieving and processing, such as guided mindfulness.

Routine:

• Identify clear and consistent roles, rules, and responsibilities.
• Monitor high-risk behavior and set limits with practical consequences.
• Provide opportunities for extending sleep within reason and encourage healthy eating and exercise habits.
• Increase predictability in their environment (family dinner times).

Release:

• Provide and support creative outlets through art, music, theater, journaling, etc.
• Offer fiction and nonfiction books to provide a variety of perspectives into grief.
• Encourage physical outlets (sports, exercise, yoga, dancing) and appropriate options for aggression/anger (boxing/martial arts)
• Set limits for unsafe or unhealthy aggression

Remember:

• Allow teen to have mementos of deceased loved one.
• Include teen in memorializing/funeral activities.
• Create a legacy book or box together.

Reflect & Connect:

• Initiate conversations about the death of the significant person. Engage in active listening by asking open-ended questions and listening without judgement or interpretation. Try sharing your own emotions to start the conversation.
• Allow for a wide range of emotional expression (child may want to throw or hit something – support them with safe ways to throw a baseball or hit a punching bag). Answer all questions clearly and accurately.
• Have patience and prepare by reading 10 Things Grieving Children Want You To Know or Seven Suggestions for Explaining Death to Children.
• Provide opportunities to talk with nonfamily members for support.
• For toxic shame/survivor guilt allow child to spend time with a person who had a similar experience

Reach out:

• Visit the National Bereavement Resource Guide (NBRG) to find counseling and support groups in your area.
• Proactively intervene and respond promptly to signs of depression or abnormal behaviors: Visit Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or call 988
• For additional resources, visit our Eluna Resource Center or contact us directly for a customized resource packet specific to your area and needs.