Learning Grief: Offer Validation
If you’ve ever been stumped about what to say to a friend who was going through a hard time, you’re not alone. Learning Grief offers a new tool in your kit that almost always lands better than platitudes, advice, or pep talks. That tool is validation. When looking to flip the script, consider these perspectives:
Platitudes:
Clichéd expressions are the typical go-to response when we communicate with someone experiencing a loss or a challenge.
- Instead of: “Everything happens for a reason.
- Learning Grief recommends: “It makes sense that this experience has you feeling angry.
Stealing the Show:
Where empathy can get tricky is that many of us were taught to “empathize” by sharing our own experiences.
- Instead of: “Your dad died? I know how you feel, my grandpa recently died.”
- Learning Grief recommends: “My grandpa died a few months ago and I remember how hard it was for me. I know it’s not the same as what you’re going through with losing your dad, but if you ever want to hear about my experience, I’d be willing to share.”
Bright-siding:
Telling someone who is struggling to focus on the positives about their situation. While our intentions may be pure, the impact is that the person you’re trying to support ends up feeling unseen, at best, and shamed, at worst.
- Instead of: “At least your dad didn’t suffer.”
- Learning Grief recommends: “No matter how long we have our people, it never seems like long enough. Tell me about your person.”
Shaming:
Shaming can be overt or it can be subtle. Sometimes, we don’t even realize we’re doing it.
- Instead of: “It’s been six months, why are you still so sad?”
- Learning Grief recommends: “Take all the time you need.”
Visit this Learning Grief page to explore several more tips on what to avoid and sample scripts to support grieving friends and family through validation.
This is an excellent resource for youth and adults to explore together at home or in a group session.
