Supporting Families Grieving a Military-Related Death: Overcoming Barriers and Stigma
Grieving the loss of a significant person is always challenging, but for youth and families experiencing a military-related death, the journey can be layered with complexities. Unique barriers and societal stigma intensify the pain and complicate the grieving process.
In preparation for our Community Conversation: Supporting Youth Grieving a Military-Related Death, we discovered this list of challenges & support initiatives unique to military grief. This article is simply a starting place, as our expert panelists elaborated on many of these findings in the conversation.
Challenges
Loss of Military Community
When a parent dies a military-related death, children also face the secondary loss of their military community, which can be disorienting and isolating. This community provides a unique support system, shared identity, and a sense of stability through common experiences and routines. The disconnection from familiar faces, schools, and environments compounds their grief, as they not only mourn the loss of a parent but also the dissolution of their social network and the comforting predictability of military life.
Solo Parent Households
Many families become only-parent households when their military member is deployed. When a death occurs, this increases the burden on the remaining parent who is also grieving. They now must manage all household and emotional responsibilities. This can strain the family’s ability to provide consistent support for grieving children. Youth who have become accustomed to a solo-parent household during long deployments may also go into a state of magical thinking that their person is still away on an assignment, therefore delaying natural grief responses.
Hyper-Awareness
Children growing up in military families live with a heightened awareness of the constant danger facing their parent, acutely aware that any day could bring the devastating news of their person’s death. This unique pressure can shape their childhood, instilling a deep sense of responsibility and resilience but also exposing youth to a level of anxiousness, uncertainty and exhaustion uncommon among their civilian peers. When the dreaded knock on the door finally comes, this anticipatory fear now becomes a crushing reality, potentially leading to a complex grieving experience.
Frequent Relocations
Many military families relocate from base to base, disrupting children’s communities, friendships, teams, and school support systems and making it difficult to establish stable relationships with peers and mentors. When a death has occurred, this lack of an established support system can be isolating and disorienting. Caregivers in this situation talk about not knowing where to begin looking for resources, benefits, and support.
Stigma
Perceived Vulnerability
In some military communities, grief or mental health is seen as a sign of weakness, discouraging individuals from seeking help. Promoting the message that receiving support is a sign of strength and resilience is essential. Eluna’s upcoming Community Conversation on military grief will address these stigmas and explore effective support strategies for youth grieving a military-related death. Register now for this free and virtual event.
Dreaded Diagnosis
For many military families, being diagnosed with any type of ‘disorder’ may lead to significant consequences for the advancement of their military career. (ie. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Substance Use Disorder, Prolonged Grief Disorder). The fear and stigma of receiving such a label on their record discourage many individuals from seeking help. Mental Health professionals, when seeking third-party reimbursement, can also be placed in a difficult spot when submitting a diagnosis. Forcing a diagnosis for affordable treatment creates a significant barrier for families seeking accessible and affirmative mental health support.
Lack of Label Awareness
Civilians might not fully understand the layers of impact experienced with military-related deaths, leading to inadequate support and empathy. There are several nuanced terms and labels that some military families may embrace, and others will reject. (Such as, Gold Star Family, Forever Families, etc.). It’s important to listen and learn from each unique family about the terminology they prefer to avoid mislabeling the family, illness, injury, loss, or trauma response. Watch our Community Conversation, which explores some of these terms and techniques to build empathy and trust with military families.
Death by Suicide or Overdose
In recent years, suicide rates among active-duty military personnel have increased. According to the Department of Defense’s Annual Suicide Report, the rate for active-duty troops increased nearly 3% in one year- from 2020 to 2021. Female service members in particular have higher suicide rates compared to their civilian counterparts. The overdose death rate among active-duty military personnel has also been rising. According to the Department of Defense (DoD), between 2017 and 2021, overdose deaths in the military increased significantly.
Families grieving a death by suicide or overdose carry an additional stigma, leading to possible feelings of shame, guilt, or the fear of judgment. Educating communities about the complexities of mental health issues and substance use disorders can reduce stigma. Providing affirming spaces for families to share their stories without fear of judgment is crucial. Click here for military suicide loss survivor resources and support opportunities through TAPS and suicide grief support resources by The Eluna Resource Center. For overdose grief support, we recommend visiting Eluna’s Overdose Grief Resource Hub.
Death due to Illness
Historically, diseases such as malaria, typhoid, influenza, and agent-orange-related cancers have claimed more lives among soldiers than combat itself, particularly in conflicts where sanitation, nutrition, and medical care were inadequate. Even in modern times, illnesses continue to pose a threat to military personnel, with conditions ranging from infectious diseases to chronic illnesses like cancer and heart disease.
Despite advances in medicine, the stigma surrounding reporting illness in the military persists. Service members may fear appearing “unfit” for duty. This under-reporting often leads to delayed treatment and inaccurate statistics. The benefits provided to military personnel who die from illness vary and are often less comprehensive than those for combat-related deaths. While some families receive benefits, recognition and support can be inadequate, reflecting a broader issue of how non-combat-related deaths are perceived and addressed within military systems.
Support
Peer Support Groups
Participating in support groups can be transformative. Programs like TAPS offer peer-based emotional support and an opportunity to reconnect with the military community. General grief support groups and camps help to build new connections and communities. Camp Erin and Camp Erin Online welcome all families & types of loss, including military, into our network of camps across the country, offered at no cost.
Mentoring
Mentoring plays a crucial role in supporting young individuals, offering stability, understanding, guidance, and hope. Tuesday’s Children provides a mentoring program for children and siblings of fallen military service members, regardless of circumstances of loss, as a resource for families of children 6-18 years old. Youth impacted by a family member’s substance use may also want to consider Eluna’s Camp Mariposa: a year-round mentoring and addiction prevention program, offered at no cost.
Open Communication
Providing opportunities for open discussions with age-appropriate explanations to children, and validating their feelings, will help to process big emotions and feel understood. We recommend Talking to Teens and Children About Illness and Death and Seven Suggestions for Explaining Death to Children
Professional Counseling
Many organizations provide free or low-cost specialized services to military families, making professional help accessible. OneSource provides confidential, short-term counseling that’s 100% free to support a range of mental health challenges including financial issues, caregiving, and grief. TAPS helps connect you to grief counseling, grief support groups, and local resources. Eluna’s Resource Center provides personalized resources & local program referrals for military families looking for counseling & support.
School Community Support
Working with schools to ensure they are aware of the child’s situation is crucial. Teachers should be made aware of the child’s loss and will also need information on how to support grieving students. The Coalition for Grieving Students provides a free teacher training module on how to best support grieving students at school. Advocating for additional academic support helps children maintain their educational progress.
Memorialization and Commemoration
Opportunities to honor and remember their person could include participating in memorial services, creating memory jars or writing letters to the deceased to keep their memory alive. We recommend this family-centered approach on How to Honor & Remember Someone Who Died.
Engage the Community
Community events, educational workshops, and volunteer opportunities bring people together into a space of collective strength and support. TAPS provides a series of military survivor events across the country and Tuesday’s Children has a full event calendar of military support events.
Conclusion
Grieving a military-related death presents unique challenges and stigmas, but with the right support strategies, families can successfully navigate this difficult journey. Addressing these barriers, promoting open communication, and fostering ongoing community involvement create a compassionate and understanding environment for youth and families experiencing this profound loss. Supporting each other through these challenging times strengthens our communities and honors the sacrifices made by our military families.
